H
ow would you consider this?” He often began his instruction to us with a question. Although we grew rather accustomed to the convention, it still caused us to stop and think about an answer. What followed, though brief, spoke to me deeply for many years to come. I suppose it was because after the resurrection and after the disciples had formed themselves into an ecclesiastical body that I fell away. And since God immensely blessed Peter, James, John and the others and since the addition of Paul, and especially since the elevation of my dear friend Matthias to the status of “apostle,” I felt more than a little alienated from the group, and by implication, from Jesus. But I knew this was not true. I had known Jesus as intimately as any of them. I am sorry. You must pardon me. I reach. I get ahead of myself.
“A man owns a hundred sheep,” continued Jesus, “and one of them wanders away. Will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?”
When Matthais was chosen instead of me, I tried very hard to accept it graciously. I think I succeeded. I congratulated him warmly but inside I was dying. I became resentful at the method by which the choice was made -- an arbitrary exercise of chance. Peter and the others believed it was the Holy Spirit who made the choice. That was impossible for me to accept. To this hour it is impossible for me to accept. The Spirit does not use games of chance to make his choices. If I had attempted to make that point, I would have been accused at best of being an ungracious loser, and at worst being insensitive to the Holy Spirit. I savored neither of these alternatives.
I was also faced with the reality that only one of us could have been chosen. There were twelve tribes in Israel and Jesus had declared that in the coming kingdom of God, the twelve were to each represent one of these tribes. If that were the case, then only one of us could have been chosen. Still, the fact that I wasn’t, stung. I felt rejected by God and my friends. It is amazing how one falls into disfavor with one’s closest friends when things go adversely. It seemed none missed the unspoken message that God had put me aside. It is easy to ostracize and ignore the one who has been identified as “not included.” It was as if I had suddenly developed the advanced stages of leprosy.
All of this to say that I identified closely with that solitary sheep who had wandered away. I knew from that moment that I was on my own. I knew that I no longer belonged. I became somewhat of a recluse, a man outcast and alienated from what was to become known as “the church.”
Hear my prayer, O LORD, give ear to my supplications! In your faithfulness answer me, and in your righteousness. Do not enter into judgment with your servant, for in your sight no one living is righteous.
Therefore, my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all your works; I muse on the work of your hands. I spread out my hands to you; my soul longs for you like a thirsty land. Selah
Answer me speedily, O LORD; my spirit fails! Do not hide your face from me, lest I be like those who go down into the pit. Cause me to hear your loving kindness in the morning, for in you do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness. Revive me, O LORD, for your name's sake! For your righteousness' sake, bring my soul out of trouble.
“And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing to lose any of you who believe.”
Is this sheep any less a part of the flock because he has wandered off? Sometimes the whole must be put at risk for the sake of a solitary member who is exposed. Sometimes the welfare of the majority is of less importance than that of the individual. In some larger sense, however, I feel the flock has rejected me. Or, being sheep, they just are not aware that they have lost one of their own, or are perhaps incapable of caring. But like the good shepherd, God does care and God is aware. When I am alone I am loved. I am sought by One who always finds.
